Song of Solomon

In January of 2011 I made my third trip to Tanzania to teach a group of Pastors. The subject that they wanted me to teach on was sex and marriage. Below are the notes on those subjects, including a study of the Song of Solomon.

SEX AND THE BIBLE

Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” God carefully designed the male and female bodies, and declared in verse 31, “God saw all that he had made, and it was VERY good.”

Genesis 2:24-25 “For this reason man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Since God made the penis, the vagina, the clitoris, and the orgasm and declared all of these things, “very good,” we should be able to discuss this aspect of His creation and its function without embarrassment or sense of shame.

THE SONG OF SOLOMON

The Song of Solomon is a poem written to extol the virtues of love between a husband (King Solomon) and his wife (the Shulamite) living together, and loving each other spiritually, emotionally and physically.

The song begins before their wedding as the bride to be longs to be with her betrothed. She wants their love to grow naturally, in its own time, rather than rushing things. The King praises her beauty, overcoming her feelings of insecurity about her appearance. She then has a dream of losing him and searches for him. On the wedding night they make love and God blesses their union. As the marriage matures they go through some difficult times. As the song ends they are secure in their love for one another.

Lessons that we can learn include:

•  We need to give our spouses the time and attention they need.

•  Encouragement and praise, rather than criticism, is necessary.

•  We should enjoy each other, be creative and playful with each other.

•  Do what is necessary to reassure your commitment to your spouse.

   WEDDING DAY REFLECTIONS

Chapter 1:2-3 The Shulamite declares, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes.”

Two things to notice here are, she is eager for his loving and he smells real nice. The desire for good loving begins early in the day, not just at the time of the desire to make love. If you want your spouse to respond to you in bed, you must treat your spouse with love and respect during the day. Gal 5:22 says that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, indness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.” If you treat your spouse in a godly fashion, they will be more responsive to you. Also, note the Shulamite comment on how nice Solomon smells. Cleanliness and smelling good is essential with intimate love making. Some couple will take showers together as part of foreplay and use nice colognes.

Chapter 1:4b “We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine.”

Here we see the “daughters of Jerusalem” the young maidens who were girlfriends of the Shulamite, rejoicing with her, with no hint of jealousy.

Chapter 1:5-6; “Dark am I, yet lovely, O Daughters of Jerusalem . . . Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun . . . my mother’s sons made me take care of the vineyards.”

   REFLECTIONS AT THE WEDDING FEAST

Chapter 1:9-14 “I liken you, my darling, to a mare . . . your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels . . . My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms . . .”

Solomon and the Shulamite are reclining at their wedding feast praising each other’s beauty.

A principle taught here is that we must verbalize to our spouse our appreciation of their good traits.

   REFLECTIONS IN THE BRIDAL CHAMBER

Chapter 1:15-2:7 “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant. The beams of our house are cedars; our rafters are firs.”

Chapter 2:3-7; “Like an apple tree (apples were used as an erotic symbol in the ancient world) among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste” (some commentaries view this as a reference to oral sex being performed by the bride). “He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.” “Banquet hall” is an expression referring to sexual passion. “Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love . . . Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

Solomon structured his bridal chamber to be like and to remind her of her home with cedar and cypress trees, not native to Jerusalem, but from the north in Galilee, the area of Shulamite’s home. 

A principle taught here is to again verbalize what is good about each other and to make the bed chamber an especially pleasant atmosphere for them to make love in. The bedroom should be as

well decorated and clean as possible. Also, foreplay is important. It is important to take your time when making love, knowing that the woman usually needs more time to become aroused, which leads to the production of lubricants in the vagina to make intercourse more comfortable.

Verse 7 is advice to the daughters of Jerusalem not to engage in premarital activity that will arouse you sexually before you can be satisfied in the right setting, after marriage. Nor should a mate arouse his spouse and then leave her frustrated.

   THE COURTSHIP PERIOD REFLECTIONS

These events occur before the BRIDAL CHAMBER REFLECTIONS

Chapter 2:8-3:5 The Shulamite says, ““Listen! My Lover! Look! Here he comes; leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills.” v10 “My lover spoke and said to me, ‘Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past.” v15 “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyard.” v16-17 she says, “My lover is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn my lover and be like a gazelle on the rugged hills.” She asks him to finish his work and then come back to her.

The Shulamite is reflecting on how she and Solomon first met in the springtime. The “little foxes” refers to the “little problems” that crop up in any relationship that hinder love and create tension in a relationship. 

The principles here are to “catch the little foxes” meaning to eliminate problems in their relationships before they become huge obstacles in their relationship. She also recognizes his need to do his job without her interference and for him to not bring his work home with him. 

   DREAMS OF SEPARATION

Chapter 3:1-5 “All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves . . . I held him and would not let him go . . . Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

The Shulamite has a dream that her love, Solomon, had left her and at first she was not able to find him. When she found him she held him tight.

The principle of not arousing passions prematurely is repeated here, as was seen in chapter 2:7.

   THE THIRD REFLECTION ON MARITAL UNION

Chapter 3:6-10 “Who is this coming up from the desert . . . perfumed with myrrh and incense . . . it is Solomon’s carriage, escorted by sixty warriors . . . Its post he made of silver its base of gold. Its seat was upholstered with purple, its interior lovingly inlaid by the daughters of Jerusalem.”

Commentaries say that verse ten refers to the description of the wedding bed, not the carriage.

The principle here is again the need to make the bedroom, and especially the bed, a special place, with the best of linens you can afford, etc.

   THE WEDDING NIGHT

Chapter 4:1-5:1 “How beautiful you are, my darling!  Oh, how beautiful! . . . your breasts (v 5) are like two fawns . . . v 6 I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense,” (a reference to the female genitalia in the area of the pubic hair which covers s small mount). The “garden locked up” in verse 12 refers to the virgin status of the bride. The “spring enclosed” of verse 12 and the “garden fountain” of verse 15 refer to the lubricating secretions from the foreplay needed for comfortable intercourse. “I have come into MY garden” refers to Solomon having intercourse and refers to his bride as HIS garden. Paul makes the same point in I Cor 7:4-5 where he wrote, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer.”

The principle here is that withholding sexual satisfaction from your mate is forbidden in Scripture. In Exodus 21:10 Moses wrote, “he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights.” The Jewish scholars have interpreted the term “marital rights” to mean that he is obliged to engage in regular sexual relations with her. Jesus makes a similar point in Matt 7:9 when he asks, “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? We would not deprive our children of needed food, nor should we deprive our spouse of the need for sex.

   SEXUAL ADJUSTMENTS IN MARRIAGE

There is a long wintertime separation during their courtship and she dreams of refusing his advances

Chapter 5:1-3 “I slept but my heart was awake (a dream). Listen! My lover is knocking; “Open to me, my sister (my love), my darling.” She refuses his advances in verse 3, “I have taken off my robe-must I put it on again? I have washed my feet-must I soil them again?”

Chapter 5:6 “I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him.”

Chapter 5:9 “How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women?"

The Daughters of Jerusalem ask her how Solomon is better than others. In public she refrains from criticizing her man. 

A principle here is that we should not refuse the advances of our spouse, nor should we criticize our spouse in public.

   THE RETURN OF SOLOMON

Chapter 6:4-9 Solomon praises her beauty, in spite of the fact that she refused his advances earlier.

A principle here is to not make your love conditional, based on performance and to not remind your spouse of his or her past failures.

   THE DANCE OF THE MAHANAIM

Chapter 6:10-7:10 “Why would you gaze on the Shulamite as on the dance of Mahanaim” . . . v 8 “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.”

The Shulamite engages in an erotic dance which leads to sexual intercourse (climb the palm tree) in verse 8.

The principle here is to be creative with regards to your foreplay and love making. All things are permissible if they are agreeable to both parties and meet each other’s needs. It is also important to make sure that the wife experiences her orgasm before the husband. Once the man reaches his orgasm his sexual desire is lost and the wife can remain frustrated

   THE SHULAMITE’S DESIRE TO VISIT HOME

Chapter 7:10-8:4 “Come my lover, let us go out to the country, let us lodge in the villages . . . there will I give my loves to you.”

The principle here is that the woman has every right to take the initiative in love making. It also teaches us that it is helpful to get away from the routine to be alone together and to enhance the love making.

   THE RENEWAL OF THE LOVE COVENANT

Chapter 8:5-7 “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm . . . many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.”

The principle here is that this type of love cannot be extinguished by many waters.

   AT SHULAMITE’S COUNTRY HOME

Chapter 8:8-14;  “We have a young sister, and her breasts are not yet grown. What shall we do for our sister for the day she is spoken for? If she is a wall, we will build towers of silver on her. If she is a door, we will enclose her with panels of cedar . . . Come away, my lover, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the spice-laden mountainside.”

If the sister is a wall, able to withstand all immoral assaults, they will adorn her with silver as a reward for her purity. If she is a door, accessible to seduction, we will protect her from promiscuity.

The principle here is that the Shulamite was a good example for her little sister and tried to protect her from immoral behavior.

   MARRIAGE AND THE BIBLE

Genesis 2:24; “For this reason a man will LEAVE his father and mother and be UNITED to his wife, and they shall be one.”

Sometimes the in-laws try to interfere and run the lives of their married children. This is unfortunate. It is sometimes better for married couples to not live so close to overbearing in-laws. Once you are married, your primary responsibility is to the pleasing of your spouse, not your parents or in laws.

Ephesians 5:21 “Submit to one another.” Marriage removes our right to think only of our own wants; it requires us to become more and more selfless. Submission is mutual; both partners have to give and take to make the relationship work.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

In Biblical Hebrew, the word love is a verb, it is not always something that you feel, but the way you act towards someone. It also means "to be loyal to." 

Notice that this is a command to love your wives, not just when she is lovable and you feel like loving her, but always. Jesus loved the church and gave himself up for her, even when the church was not always lovable. We are to love our wives in spite of our feelings. We are to do what is right, perhaps, in time, our hearts will catch up with our actions. Sometimes we do things because it is the right thing to do, not just because we felt like it. The Bible say, “Love who you marry,” the world says “marry who you love.” Marriage actually removes the freedom that we had to think and to act as an independent person.

Phil 2:4 “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also the interests of others (including your spouse).”

Ecc 5:4 “When you make a vow to God (including your wedding vows) do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.” It is useful to renew your marriage vows to remind you of what you promised. 

I Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” Love covers sins, the faults and foibles of your spouse are not to be thrown in his or her face. Forgiveness and forgetfulness are important in any relationship, especially one as close as a marriage.

I Cor 8:1 “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up.” We need to build up our spouse through encouraging words and avoiding criticisms. We need to overlook mistakes and weaknesses. Some things about our partner may never change; we have to accept some things by grieving and forgetting.

I John 3:18 “Dear children, let us not love with word or tongue, but with actions and in truth.” It is easy for people to say, “I love my wife,” but more difficult to treat your wife as if you love her. Actions speak louder than words.

Why is it that we can speak with respect to our boss or neighbor, yet we think it is acceptable to speak with our spouse in a way we would never speak to anyone else?

Titus 2:4-5 “ . . . they (older women) can teach the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

Older, mature Christians have much to teach younger women and men in the church. They are a resource who can mentor younger couples. Parents are more likely to more influence on the future through their children than their career or church. 

Eph 4:26 “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” You may not be able to resolve all of the issues by sunset, but you can at least put aside the anger and agree to deal with the issues at hand another time.

Gal 5:22 “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience.” Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, not a fruit of our partner’s attitudes and behavior. We can’t allow others, including our spouse’s behavior and attitudes, to our joy and peace hostage. Fallen, sinful human beings can’t be our source of peace and joy. We have to have security and significance in Christ. When we depend on our spouse for these things, we become vulnerable to them, and fear and manipulation enter the relationship, along with anger, pain, nagging and guilt.

2 Chron 34:27 The king has the right to tear his robe in despair, but not the priests who have access to the presence of God. I Peter 2:5 says that we are all priests. We should never succumb to despair, in our marriage or in life.

Matt 12:37 “For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” We have to answer for what we say, so we must be careful of what we say, even in private.

James 1:19; “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become anger.” For many of us, listening is little more than waiting for our turn to speak.

I Tim 5:8; “If anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially for his immediate family (including spouse), he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Prov 31:11; “Her husband has full confidence in her.” Husbands should be able to trust their wives to make decisions on her own, without being overly dependent on him.

Prov 31:28; “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”

THE BIBLE AND DIVORCE

Mal 2:16; “I HATE divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel.

Matt 19:7-8 ”Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.”

Divorce is not the route to happiness. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and others have shown that divorce was much worse for children than an unhappy home. Unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier five years after the divorce than were equally unhappy marrieds who remained together. And two-thirds of unhappily married people who remained married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. Those who endured were forced to work on their marriage or remain miserable. They arranged more private time with each other and sought counseling. The end result was a greater level of happiness than those who divorced, taking their problems into their next relationship or remaining single.